shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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