Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
