She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
