You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
