I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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