I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
