I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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