mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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