She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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