She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize