She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
