Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
