I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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