oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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