after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
