Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
