i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
