I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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