I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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