Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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