Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
