next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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