Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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