Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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