my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize