just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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