I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
