I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
