There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
