let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
