I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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