I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
