We named our party play list daddy issues
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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