I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
