I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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