Im at strip club and am horny
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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