Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my sisters under your porch take her home
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
