he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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