dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
