that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
