every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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