Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
