So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
