I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Is it because I queefed?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
