I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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