I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
