My hand turned me down
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
