whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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