My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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