Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
