I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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