i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
