Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
