the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Less talking, more tequila
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
