I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize