Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
