Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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