just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
