Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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