she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
