I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
