Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Walk of Shame today included voting.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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