yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
