just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
