I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
