i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
