I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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