This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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