I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
